Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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