Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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