she was so not down for the gang bang
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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