that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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