I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
