I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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