he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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