I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
