haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
