i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
