be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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