He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
a search helicopter?!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
