I didn't shave. On purpose
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have fence marks all over my body
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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