Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just threw up on my dentist
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
A+ Viking dick
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
