I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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