Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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