Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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