Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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