Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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