I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
