I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
