Ambien. No doubt about it.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
