All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
