Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
