Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
