I got chris browned last night
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
do nipples grow back?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
