there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
