You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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