Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
