I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
