woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
