I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
