just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
