Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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