Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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