i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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