the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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