So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
