How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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