My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you made out with another girl for some wings
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
