the condom got lost in my hair
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
