Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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