Please, let me fuck your mom
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just pee around me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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