I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
