Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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