everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
smell my finger.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
