oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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