im six kinds of drunk right now
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
