I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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