When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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