I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
