He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
