I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
