I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
