I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
