I just cut my nipple shaving
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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